You Painted Black upon the Whitest Lies.....

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Listen and Read!

Have you ever been in a relationship or even friendship with a liar?

It can be painfully deceptive, and honestly just down right confusing.

I know I am not alone, in this feeling, the utter disgust and feelings of complete betrayal. 

For so long, I have simply let people tell me what ever they wanted, 

white lies, small lies, big lies. 

Where has it gotten me?? 

No where..

It has left me with nothing...why do I allow people to lie to me?

I am left feeling like a boat with no anchor, not rooted to anything anywhere.

These are the Hard Truths I have learned through out my years of letting people lie to me...

Maybe just maybe...

 this post will stop you from wasting time on someone who constantly lie to you.

TRUTH: is a steady force, it is heavy and hard to carry. It is the anchor that keeps us in the present, here in reality, and it is completely irreplaceable.

 Once you lie to someone, no matter how many times you tell the truth after..

 they will never believe you. 

Now let me make something clear, there is a difference between people who lie and liars. 

Everyone at some point or another will lie to you. WHITE LIES are a huge thing in our culture.

Most people are not even aware that they are lying until some one else points it out. 

Excuses are often masked as White Lies, or half truths, either way they are still a lie. 

Telling the truth is hard, its humbling and more times than not, embarrassing. 

Being strong enough to admit you were wrong, and apologize to those you hurt takes courage.

Courage most people cant seem to find with in them self's, 

so they let their lies fester until it comes back and bits them in the ass. 

The only thing worse than lying, is being caught in a lie.

Opposite of White liars, are Habitual Liars. 

Habitual Liars have made a life out of lying. There whole life style is built on deceit, 

they live in a false reality. They are so deep in their own lies, they actually believe them themselves.

But why do people lie, what is it that motivates them to lie?

Well there are 3 things for sure that I know of. 

1. Liars are in Love with Themselves:

Liars make every situation about themselves, they don't think about how their words or actions will impact others. They don't want to look stupid in front of others and they don't want to admit that they are wrong. Liars are short sighted and only look for the easy way out. 

2.Liars are Cowards:

That's right, I said it.. they are Cowards. Anyone who lacks the mental strength and courage to tell the truth is a coward. Coward are hard to love, they will constantly frustrate you. Instead of admitting that they are human and made a mistake, they will lie to cover it up. 

3. Liars have Nothing to fall back on. 

At the end of the day, once someone finds out someone is a liar,

 that is pretty much it for what ever type of relationship they were in. I mean, what do you have at the end of the day, at the end of ones life if not your reputation and good name?

Liars essentially cut out the legs beneath them, falling on to nothing. By lying constantly they burn the bridges with their family and friends. Their lives become a meaningless wasteland, easily forgotten and dismissed. 

I have met many people who are habitual liars, and it took me quite some time to figure it out. 

I have had 10+ year long friendships end because I could no longer take being lied to. 

If you have ever met some one who constantly lied to you, what did you do about it?

Did you call them out? or did you keep your mouth shut and let them lie to you even though you knew the truth?

I once stayed in a relationship for over 2 years because I though I loved this person, 

but the whole time he cheated on me.

  I knew about it, but I never called him out on it. 

When I finally did point out.. that I knew what was happening he lied to my face about it.

At that point I just didn't care if I though I loved him or not. I only cared about our relationship being built on trust, and it no longer was. 

So I let that "ship" set sail...

I vowed that if I ever suspected that someone was lying to me, I would call them out on the spot.

I would never allow some one to abuse my trust towards them...

Once you burn the bridge.. its gone..

tell them.....

you painted black over the whitest lies.

A Time Traveller's Delight- Renaissance Faire

I am sure that there are times when you wish you could just get away from it all, 

even if it is only for a short time. 

Sometimes I find myself wishing that I could just travel back in time, visit places before they became the places that they are now.
I want to see the world through the eyes of those who came before us.

Finding an escape from reality isn't necessarily a bad thing.. Just remember that eventually you must return to real life...

 You just need a bit of imagination, 

that alone can take you places you have never even thought of.
A time traveller's delight...

Beyond the seas of emerald green,
the ebb and tide of diamond waves slosh in the most serene celerity
I lay upon the seas, and become a grain of sand
I am a pearl born of pain,
my timbre plays melodies on your heart strings,
my beauty shadowboxes with your soul..

 wind blows through the 

warped cold forest. 

Endless echoes of sea mist 

hits the black shore. 

Only this is caused by dark morning, 

summers end knocks on the door, 

only hidden by light nights. 

Cold dark shadows pass down 

the twisted roads 

Once again black mornings 

and light nights; 

follow me to the endless ocean of life.

The Washington State Midsummer Renaissance Faire

Can You Guess what I am?

My Wings...FireBird

Just hanging out with woodland creatures!

The Necromancer and the Dragon Queen...

A fallen Faerie Indeed

My love and I

I had a truly amazing time, from the moment we got there life outside of this place did not matter, 

I was in the company of good friends, new and old. 

I would not trade a moment of this adventure for anything in the world..

Finding a place to escape to is hard, but finding one where your friends will follow is even harder..

Thank you Ren Faire for being that escape for me...

All That Glitters is not Gold.....

Have you ever been fooled by someone or something,  regardless of who or what it was,  but by the simple fact that it was new, it was able to cast an illusion over you? I have met many people like this, who first impression is so good, it makes you question their motives.
Sometimes you are proven wrong, your assumptions unfounded, but what about the times your are right? What do you do then?

Just a little over three months ago I met someone who "I" thought was my friend. However, in this case I was gravely mistaken. Like most of my posts, I will leave this person unnamed. I'm not about calling people out, but I am about the lessons that can be learned.

So let's start at the beginning....

I have a pretty long commute most days of the week when school is in. So sometimes I stay with friends in Capital Hill. While perusing the Internet.."Facebook" I saw that I had a few friends in common with someone I had not met, but lived fairly close to another good friend of mine. I added this person and we chatted on FB for while before deciding to meet up at LA Cocina in Capital Hill. 
I met this person.. Lets call them "A".. no not the A from pretty little liars... but I guess they are both as devious.

We started to hang out daily, we watched the World Cup at local bars around Capital Hill, we out to eat or just walked around. I told A that I wasn't interested in anything more than friendship, that things between us would never progress past the point they were at. A agreed and stated that he also didn't want anything serious and that being friends worked for him.

During this time I was still hanging out with my other friends, and started to put mine and A's friendship on the back burner. I really didn't want to lead him on by constantly being around, so I started hanging out with other friends again. About a week later I met up with A again and he told me that if I ever need a place to stay when I have early morning class or work, that I could stay in his spare room.

I took advantage of the offer, and stay about two times over the course of 2 1/2 months.
The Third time is stayed however things went a lot different than before. I worked that whole weekend so I decided to stay the night at his place. After I got off work we met up at the local animal shelter over by my school, to look at puppies because it had only been about 3 weeks since the shooting at my school, and when my puppy died. I was hurting still and really just wanted to hang out with some puppies and maybe even adopt a new one. However there were no dogs available for adoption, weird I know.

So since that feel through we had a lot of time on our hands. We decided to head back to Capital Hill and grab some stuff at QFC to eat for dinner. Later that night A got a hold of his friend who had a dog and lived closed by. He agreed to let us take his dog on walk, from what I was told by A, this dog is kept kenneled all day, and is never really taken out side. So the dog is super anxious and nervous around other people and other dogs.

We walked the Dog for about an hour, then return him home to his owner.  A and I decided to head back to his place. We started watching the Lego movie, but I was getting tired so I decided to go lay down in the spare room. Before I fell asleep I got a message from Marco, he told me he had a battle to attend that night, and I replied back saying that I was taking a nap and that I would come down there to watch. Marco wrote back that he would message me when he got to Seattle. I sat my phone down to charge, and passed out around 8:30ish.

When I woke up it was almost 10:30, I was late for the battle Marco told me about. So I started to get ready and pack my things. I walked towards the door which I had left slightly cracked. I could hear A talking on Skype to his League of Legends friends. I listen for a quick second not really thinking much of it. I figured they were just talking about a character in game. I listened even more intently, and It dawned on me that he was talking about me, about my body, about sexual things that had never happened between us.

He degraded my worth over the Internet, he belittled me to nothing more than a prostitute. He talked about how he thought parts of my body were fake, but he couldn't actually know, but he elude to the fact that he had touched me, and had sex with me. Even though none of that was true.
I sat behind that door, in shock, tears ran down my face. This man who claimed to care about me as a friend, who helped me deal with some of the most immeasurable loss. Stabbed me in the back. I heard movement in the living room, so I jumped back into the bed. As I did I hear A state " I better check and see what she is doing, I don't want her to hear this." I laid in the bed and pretend to sleep.
Inside I was furious, I wanted to get up and destroy everything with in my reach.
I heard him approach the guest bedroom, the opened the door looked at me, even though my eyes were closed I could feel his stare fall upon my body.

Every atom in my body was screaming with hatred towards that man who stood just feet from where I laid. He slowly turned away and shut the door.

I waited 5 minutes, slowly got up. Grabbed my things, and walked to the door. I listen for him again, he had resumed talking about me to his friends. I slowly turned the knob on the spare room, and open it. I walked across the hall and dumped his keys on the table by the front door. I proceed to open the front door the same as I did for the other door. Once out side, I ran; I ran as fast as I could to my car. I hoped that he wouldn't notice that I was gone until I had reached my car.

I got inside my car, put all my things in my back seat and cried for an hour straight. How could I have not seen the type of person he was. He had told me that he use to be selfish and had a hard time keeping friends, but that he had changed and was trying to be a better person. I believed Him, I let him fool me into thinking he was a decent human being.

Once I calmed down, and could finally breath I headed into downtown. I sent a text to Marco, telling him that I was just going to head home. He asked me why I didn't show up, I said that I fell asleep and woke up to late.However Marco knew something was wrong, he questioned me some more, until I finally gave in and told him everything that had happened.

While I was talking to Marco, A messaged me.." WTF... you left?"...
I responded " Yes, I left, I left your keys on the table by the door."
A: "Why didn't you say anything? You went to sleep and I decided to do some work and play league for bit."
ME: I don't care about that. I just decided to go home.
A: "Rika, Tell me whats wrong? are you mad at me or something?"
ME: "No, I just wanted to go home, I forgot I had something planned."
A: "Tell me whats wrong"
ME: "A, you are smart, I am sure you can figure out why I left."
No Message from A for about 45 minutes.

A: " Oh Shit, is it about what I was saying to my friends on league? I was just fucking around. I didn't mean any of it."
A: " They were bragging about how they made it to platinum, and I got irritated and bragged about how I got to spend all day with you."
ME: " I heard everything you said, everything about my body."
A: " I was just trying to make them jealous, that I got to hang out with a Hot girl. I didn't mean to disrespect you."
ME: "A we are no longer friends, please do not message me anymore. I don't care about what ever reasons you think you have for justifying your actions. You are just like every other asshole I have met."

"A" continued to message me through out the night, and into the next day, But I never responded.

 Sometimes you have to learn to cut people out. Even when you wish you didn't have to. The things that seem so important can change to be so insignificant in just a moments time. Like the flicker of a flame, thoughts and emotions could change from a slow burning fire into all consuming inferno.

What we hold dear to our hearts today may not be the same thing we hold dear tomorrow,

With each day, we must decide what is important and what is not.

If we are careless or forgetful things will change with out us noticing.

If we don't say what weighs on our hearts how will we ever know the truth.

Speak clearly the thoughts that run through your mind.

For only you can decided what path you will take and if you shall travel it as one.

I know that most people believe its hard to just be friends with the opposite sex. I however wholeheartedly disagree. I have many guy friends who have been just my friend for well over 8+ years. Who are in relationships with other people and genuinely are just my friends. It is possible, if both people actually mean to just be friends.

 Be careful who you let walk into your life. Trust people, but never completely, Believe in people, just never fully. Don't let the newness of the friendship cover up the red flags. Be thoughtful and aware.
"People trust their eyes above all else - but most people see what they wish to see, or what they believe they should see; not what is really there" - Zoë Marriott

Trust your Heart and your Gut above all else.

It will never steer you wrong.

And remember

All that Glitters is not Gold....

Where I learned to speak in silence....

Disclosure
( this post contains cuss words and contains violent content) 

Have you ever woken up and just thought to your self, how the fuck did I end up here. 
Well if you haven't... then your life must be either very boring, or you haven't really lived yet. When I look back at My life I wonder sometimes, How the fuck did I end up in that situation. Most people love to blame others, but I know that through out this story, these things happened to me because I did not always make the best choice either. I am not writing this to put anyone on blast.. or to call anyone else out. I am simply sharing my story with the world. Take it or leave it... I will be fine either way.

When I was about 15 or 16 years old.. hard to remember exactly because most of these memories I have tried to purge from mind...I lived in central point Oregon. By this time in my life my parents had already divorced. I lived with my mother and two of my sisters and my baby brother( who is special needs) and things there generally were good. That is until the no longer were.

When my younger sister was about 10 years old, (She is about 4-5 years younger than me.) she started getting into a lot of trouble. Most kids this age, at least in central point didn't really have much to do, school only fills up so much of your day.
 My sister and I use to fight all the time, mostly because I would get mad at her for stealing things from me. I know it probably wasn't the best way to go about these types of things, but when you are young you don't tend to think things through. 

  One day I had a bunch of friends over at my house, we were all in the living room hanging out. I can't quite remember what sparked this particular fight between me and my sister, but it was a full blown fist fight. 
My mom stepped in and tried to stop us but, it only escalated in a fight between my mother and I. We moved from the living room into the kitchen, and that is were things took a serious turn. My friends sat in shock and awe as my Mom continued to hit me, even after I had stopped fighting back. 

Things had gotten really out of hand, my friends stepped in and pulled me out of the house. They rushed me to their car and we drove away. 
When we finally had stopped, we reached Vancouver, Washington. This was my first time ever in Washington. 

I stayed there for a few days, and let the events of that day settle in my mind. I watched as the black and blue bruises covering my right side of my body turn grey and green. I had a black eye, a fat lip, I had bruised ribs, and a cracked collar bone. I didn't go to the hospital, I was afraid. I thought to my self, my mom has never beaten me before, damn she has only even spanked me like 3 times in my whole life. 
I was in complete shock the whole time I was in Vancouver. 
When I finally decided to go home, I told my friends that I would probably move to live with my dad. Just to give my Mom space during this time. 
Little did I know, that while I was gone, my little sister had gotten her self arrested and was currently in Juvenile Hall for theft. 
This had made things tense at home, and when I return, and told my mother I planned on moving out, she completely lost it. 

I started packing my things, even while she was yelling at me to stop. I told my Mom that i was leaving and there was nothing she could do to stop me. Like most people, she got caught up in the moment and yelled at me " You are not leaving here, the only way you will leave is if your dead.". I know now that she didn't mean that she wanted me to die. 
I was young, I was scared, I did what I though was to most rational and easiest way to get out. I took a glass cup and shattered it.

 I grabbed a piece of broken glass and I slit my arm.
 A good 3" inches across, it was deep but not deep enough to bleed out. My mother freaked out and called the police on me. My friends were still out in the living room, waiting, wondering what had happened. My mom stormed out and they had rushed in, they all stopped at the door when they saw the blood dripping from my arm. My friend/cousin Meagan started crying, I was too in shock from my own actions that I stood there frozen in time. 

The police and ambulance arrived, I was handcuffed and placed in the back of the squad car. Before they shut the door they but a temporary bandage on my arm. We drove off to the Hospital, where I was placed in the room with the white padded walls. You know the ones reserved for people who have tried to commit suicide. 

I sat in that room, alone for 2 hours, and then finally someone came in. 
They questioned me, asked my about why I slit my arm, and about the bruises on my body. I confessed to cutting my arm, because well why would I lie. I didn't want to die, I wasn't trying to kill my self, I was trying to escape my mom. 
They asked if I had given my self the bruises and cracked collar bone, and I told them no. That my mother had done it, and that I had witness to back up my story. 
The lady took some photos of the markings on my body, and told me that she would send in someone else to talk to me. 

After a few more interviews, they asked me if I wanted to press charges. I declined, because if I had done so, it could have meant that my sisters and brother might end up in foster care, or they would all be shipped to my Dad. Instead I told them I just didn't want to go home with my mom. So they arranged for me to live in a group home for a while. 

I stayed in the group home for a little over 2 weeks, and when I was released I went back to my mothers. When I arrived I told her that I didn't want to stay, that I wanted to live with my dad. She agreed to let me go this time, so I packed my things and set out to live with my dad in Portland Oregon. 

When I arrived at my Fathers everything was great, his new wife greeted me with open arms, and introduced me to here children. Living with my dad was awesome, I didn't enroll in school while I was there, because I stayed home, and helped to babysit my step siblings.

 After a about a year of living there, which puts me at about 17- going on 18, my Step mom took a turn for the worse. She became more and more aggressive towards me, we would constantly fight about how I disciplined her kids, which all I ever did was put them in time out. She however thought her kids were perfect and didn't need time out. I agreed to no longer put them in time out if it was that big of an issue. 

Things calmed down for a bit but not for very long. About two weeks before my 18th birthday, my step mother and I got into an argument. You would not believe the reason why either, it was because I gave her stupid fucking spoiled little demon children some fucking ice cream. Why did I give it to them, well I couldn't put them in timeout for not listening, so i bribed their good behavior with some ice cream. 
When she got home and saw that, she lost it, she yelled at my dad and at me, and then she did something no one ever thought she would do. 
That bitch.. told my Dad to choose her, or to choose me. 

Sadly, my dad choose her. 

Why? Not even to this day.. I don't know the answer to that. Maybe it was because my Dad was reliant on her support, my Father was until the day he died an Alcoholic,Druggie. Maybe he knew he wouldn't be able to take care of me with out her. Either way he kicked me out, and I at the young age of 17 became homeless in Portland. 
Like most people who are thrown into situations out side of their control I did what i could. I got a job working for the National Democratic party, as a canvasser, they paid me pretty good, but not good enough to get a place to stay every night. Basically I made just enough money to eat and that was it.

I had one friend during this whole time.. Jesse DeBra.. I didn't tell him at first that my Dad had kicked me out. Or that ever night since that night, I had ridden the Max from Gresham to Hillsoboro which is about 33 miles each way every night because I was to afraid to sleep at night. Portland is not the safest place at night, they have one of the largest homeless populations, and the crime rate is high at night. More people go missing along the max line, then anywhere else in Portland.
I had ever reason to fear for my life while I was homeless...

One night while riding the max, something happen and the train had to be emptied, so it could be worked. It dropped me and a few other stragglers in a pretty shady part of town. I was just a few stops from downtown Portland, over by Skidmore Fountain. I was headed back from Hillsboro when the max stopped, and I decided to continue on my way back to Gresham.
 I was walking along under the bridge, where they normally hold the Sat/Sun market. 
I though I was alone, but I wasn't.

I saw two men, who saw me from a far and instantly started yelling cat calls at me. They approached me, and asked me if I wanted to spend some time with them. I decline.. I started walking backwards, looking for a place to escape, a place I could run to, in order to get away. These men did not accept my answer, and continued to harass me. One of them noticed that I was searching for a way out, and he made his move. He grabbed me, and shoved me to ground. I screamed, I kicked.. I did everything I could do. I can remember now that while this was happening I only thought to my self, please just don't kill me. I knew that they were going to rape me... and I knew that they were going to kill me. 

Just as the second man started to rip my clothing off, a group of local street kids, about my age turned the corner. I watched them come around the corner, and I locked eyes with one of them, a Boy named Charlie. He immediately ran towards the guys who had me pinned down. Just as quickly the remainder of his friends jumped in, they started beating on the two men who had me held down. A girl name Sarah, helped me put my clothing back on, and asked me if I was okay. I replied that I was fine, that I would be fine. If those kids would have came even 30 seconds later, that man would have raped me. 
Charlie and Sarah and their friends, scared off the guys who attacked me, the offered to walk to over to the bus stop that would take me back up to Gresham. 
I thanked them, and told them that I owed them my life... they simply smiled and said that they don't allow that on their streets. That they knew If I had been the one to find someone else in that position that I would have done the same. I agreed, we parted ways, and I never saw them again. 

I have never told anyone about this night in Portland. Not a single person knows besides those who were involved, not even my best friend at the time knew about this... this is a secret I have kept locked behind velvet lips. Never allowing it to slip from my mind, and be heard by ears who either don't care to hear it, or wouldn't understand it. 

The Bus finally stopped at the QFC just by my Father house. I was to shaken to go to him, because I figured he would just turn me away. I went to the pay phone and used the last of my money to call my friend. I went to his house and told him everything, well almost everything....
 I remain homeless in Portland for just under 8 months...

 where I learned to speak in silence...

 
  



 

The day my world fell apart: Remembering Paul Lee

It has been almost two months now since that day, the day my world fell apart. Thinking back on it now I realized that I was delusional in my thoughts that it would never happen to me, or to my friends. 

When you wake up and turn on the News and hear about a shooting at some far off school, you feel bad for them ...yes, you hurt for them... yes, but when it happens to your school, your friends, its different. 

I was lucky in the fact that I was not on campus that day, June 5th to be exact. I was supposed to be in class just like every other Thursday. Except this week was different a small and horribly sad event kept me from attending class that day. 

My little puppy only a year and half old, suddenly and unexpectedly passed away just two short days before the shooting on campus. I am by no means a religious person, although I attend a private Christian University. I however believe that some higher being, or some entity was looking out for me and somehow knew that this unspeakable event would take place. 

I believe wholeheartedly that my dog died that day to insure that I would be safe. You are welcome to disagree but nothing in this world, no words, no thoughts can change my mind on this.  

To this day my heart still aches for my friend, I cannot get over how quickly he was ripped away from me, from my life. I had just started to really get to know Paul, and in a single moment in time, some one stole him away from me. I will not post or mention the shooters name, because he deserves no fame and his name should be forgotten.

I still struggle everyday with the loss of my friend, death is not something I am unaccustomed to. I have lost many people in my life, but never has it been friend. 

I wrote this for Paul, just a few days after the shooting....

For Paul:

"Ante Up has become more than a simple dance club, it has become a home, a family, but most importantly a safe haven for us to go in times of need and travesty. Destruction and chaos have waded through our doors this last week. We as a family have stood strong in the wake of losing one of our precious members.

Paul Lee was more than a friend, more than a dancer. He was a mentor, a guidance, and a shining light in the dark. Paul was and will forever be, part of the Family we have learned to become. I cannot express enough the impact that Paul had on my life. Many who knew him, know very well that he would always listen with an open ear and respond with encouraging words. When I needed someone to lean on, There was Paul, a stranger to me at the time, but still he took the time to hear me out. 

I have never in my life met someone who moved through the world with as much grace as Paul did, and I don't think I ever will again.  Ante Up is my Home, and my family and through them I will move on and forward. A piece of my Heart will always belong to Paul.

May you dance with the Angels."

Our Love for Paul remains strong in our Hearts and Minds.

# DANCEFORPAUL

A MOMENT IN TIME- PARADISO

 | A MOMENT IN TIME |

| PARADISO |

Sitting top the field of the main stage over looking the gorge was epic and surreal. In that moment I sat on the grass and leaned back and took in the world around me. I have never felt so alive, and I didn't believe people when I was told that this event would  forever change my life, but it did.
 I made amazing new friends, built stronger bonds with the friends I already knew. I have never been in a place where I felt loved by every stranger.

There are people who walk in and out of your life, sometimes they change it for it the better and sometimes not. After eight long years in a loveless and mentally damaging relationship I met someone who change my view on the world, and on love. A single moment in Time forever etched into my mind, lost in a sea of people, I only saw him, and he saw only me. 

Paradiso, was a whirlwind of events, thousand of souls converged in one place, over looking the most breath taking view I have ever witnessed. Together in harmony our bodies moved to the sounds that echoed through out the Gorge. I was completely and utterly happy, living fully in the moment. For once I was not concerned about what was happening out side of this place.

I was truly living.....feeling the life in every breathe I took.

In this moment, I gazed upon the man I now call my Boyfriend and I had an Epiphany, this single and Beautiful soul, by a chance of fate, walked into my life and forever changed my world. He took my hand and carried me to places I have never been. Opened my eyes to the world around me. For so long, I was confined to a world filled with other peoples wants and needs. Consuming my soul as each day passed.

 Marco, set me free, freed my mind, my soul and my heart.

 

This picture captures that moment, as we sat atop the gorge across from the vineyard. This tiny Oasis in a vast sea of dry land, shows that even in the most arid and barren of places life continues to thrive.
 We looked out upon nature and let the beauty of this life consume us. Paradiso built a incredible bond between this Man and my self. I am forever grateful to have the chance to spend my life in his presence.

Some people say, that there are souls bound to living a life in constant motion, all ways moving, changing, exploring, learning. He is most definitely one of the souls, and I wouldn't have any other way.

The lessons I learned in the years I lost.

It has been a very long time since I have written anything personal about my self. Almost ten years to be exact.You all may be wondering why now, why have I decided to spill the beans to all of you on what has been happening in my life. Well a lot has changed for me, in more ways than I could have ever imagined. 

This is the first step in me Finding out who I really am. 

Please be kind, as this post contains my personal life and experience. If you have something negative to say. Keep it to your self. 

Have you ever felt that you were alone in this world, even when you are surrounded by people who claim to love and care about you? I have, on many occasions felt as if I was just a ghost drudging through this endless ocean of life. Invisible to the people around me, I got tired of life and the life I was living in. 

I don't want to go into full details on exactly what happened, or what exactly was said because Honestly.... I haven't healed those wounds inflicted on my heart just yet. 

However I will share a little with you....

Over the last eight years I have completely lost who I thought I was, and allowed others to place their idea's of my worth upon me. I allowed others to belittle, breakdown and destroy all that I was. 

I gave up everything I once had held dear to my heart, my friends, my family, my love of dance, school, work. If your mind can think of it, I probably gave it up, and for what you may ask. 

Well... for Love, at least what I thought was love. 

Like all Love Stories they have to start some where, Mine starts at a place called Tabella's. 

Almost 9 years ago, I met a man, (I will leave his name out..well.. because it simply doesn't matter.)

At first I was hesitant to give him my number, but he assured me that he was not like the other guys I had dated, and for some reason I believed him. Maybe it was his rich accent, or his dark skin and chiseled features, or the tone of his voice and the way he approached me. Either way I caved in and gave him my number.  

Our relationship was just like any other, we were young, careless and free. I was just 19 at the time, and he (quite a bit older) 30. I thought to my self, finally I have found a "MAN" some one who is done with the petty games boys play, and I need not worry about much. He had his life together, he had a job, a few cars, his own place, not that these things really mattered to me, (for those who know me on a personal level, and know where I came from and how my life was before this point... I will leave all that for another post.) I was just happy to be with someone who truly cared for me. After a year into our relationship I helped him open his own business, I had absolutely no business experience, no idea how to run, manage, pay, book-keep anything. Up until this point I had only ever worked retail, so I did research and helped him set everything up. It was a learning process for us both.  

Together we ran this business for a little over 7 years, but now I am getting ahead of my story....

There is a reason why they say not to go into business with your loved ones, its hard and put unneeded stress on the relationship...

 Don't get me wrong, as a person my significant other during this time, wasn't the only one who made the relationship hard. However our cultural differences made it difficult to see eye to eye on things. Our relationship was one filled with resentment, mistrust, and dishonor. I can not say that I was a saint in this relationship, but the amount of mental abuse I took from him, regardless if he was aware of the hurt he was doing pushed me to the edge. 

 I recently came across an old journal of mine, from the beginning of my relationship with him. I guess at some point fooled myself into thinking that things were fine between us. However when I read over what I had written just two years into my relationship I was ashamed that I stayed as long as I did. I was ashamed that I had allowed some one to take over every faucet of my life.

I spent seven long years believing I loved this man, but in reality I was just so far in, so comfortable, that I just let it all slide. 

Starting about a three years ago, at age 25, I decided to change that, I enrolled my self in community college, I started engaging in my community at school. I made new friends, and a glimpse of true happiness began to shine through. Then the most unimaginable things happen to me, to my family.

My Father passed away, I was completely heartbroken, the man who had raised me, cherished me, was gone. It had been three months since I had last seen my father, the news of his death stripped every thing I had just built up away from me, and I was tossed back down in the pit of darkness and depression once more. 

I know that it seems insane to most, but during this time, I seriously contemplated killing my self. I wanted to escape all of my pain, all of my worry, all of my sorrow. I knew that if I had gone through with it, I would have only hurt my family more.

My relationship at the time did not help either, all though at first my ex supported me in my time of need, he slowly began to tell me that I needed to move on, and get over it. This coming from a Man who had also lost his own father, destroyed me. One can not easily forget or move on from a parent dying, that pain lingers in the heart for eternity.

This is when things started to get really bad for my relationship. The trust issues came once I returned to school, mind you while enrolled at Edmonds Community College I was taking 25 credits a quarter and didn't have much time for anything.  I took hybrid classes, if I wasn't on campus, I would be on my computer. That alone caused most of the issues, "Me" being on my laptop all the time working on home work. Which is what I was doing, but "He" thought I was on Facebook, or something else talking to other people. No matter how many times I reassured him that I was faithful, and guilt free of talking to other behind his back, it made no difference to Him.  

Anytime we were invited to a friends get together or outing, he would decline, stating that he was too tired to attend. He would tell me that I could go if I wanted, but that if I went he might go out and do something on his own. It put me in the position where I had to choose Him, or my friends. 

Many people might think I made the wrong choice, but I choose my friends. They have been here for me long before he was, and they are still here now.  Things progressively got worse for us, our relationship was hitting rock bottom. He constantly threaten to leave me, stating that if I didn't change that he would leave. He had done this a number of time, but only once had I actually packed my things and prepared to leave. He begged me not to go, saying we could work it out and that we shouldn't waste the 6 years we had been together. I agreed to stay, but I had warned him that if he continued to threaten me by saying he would leave that he would have to be prepared to do so. 

Even our intimate relationship started to suffer, and to be plainly and painfully honest, I just didn't want to be intimate with someone who didn't trust me. I felt that his jealousy, was a cover up for his own wrong doing, and I didn't want to take the chance of getting something, since it was impossible to know if he had been with anyone else.   

He started going out more to the clubs, and would be gone all night, no phone call,  no nothing. He would walk back in smelling like booze and hard liquor. Claiming that he had left his phone in his friends car all night. I didn't want to argue so I let it go, and just went to sleep.  We grew further and further apart, and he started doing more and more things on his own. Then it happened, he started accusing me of cheating on him, every time I went anywhere. 

Things continued on like this for the next two years, I finally graduated from EDCC in 2013 with three degrees in Business Management. During all of this we still had the business running, I originally enrolled in school, so I could help make sure everything at the business was legal and on par with Washington state operations laws.

 Shortly after graduation I applied to University of Washington and Seattle Pacific University. I was  accepted to SPU and I decided that I would enroll during the Fall to work on my BA in International Business. My relationship started to break even more, now that I was commuting to Seattle from Renton, every day for school, I worked full time at the Business we ran and attended school full time. Towards the end of the first quarter at SPU, Ante Up was formed, and I joined and became a founding member. 

I was super excited about joining and going to practice every Friday night, however my significant other was not so thrilled. He claimed that I was building a new life with out him, and that I had all these new friends he knew nothing about. He told me I joined as an excuse not to be home with him. 

Which was not true, We worked together, car pooled together, and did everything together, I just wanted one small thing to my self. 

This single decision, is what set me on the path to planning my escape from my relationship. It sounds horrible I know, Plotting an escape.. you might be asking why didn't I just up and leave. Well if you scroll back up to the top of this post, you would see that I had nothing, Everything I had, my house, my income, my car, my life, revolved around this single man. I had to start setting stone for me walk across to be on my own. 

I moved both of us into a family members house, because I knew if things ended I would have at least a place to stay, I applied for a job on campus, and luckily got one fairly soon. Due to Business and legal issues one of my significant other cars was under my name, I legal possessed the car. 

Then one night it all came crashing down, a small little argument pushed into a full blown attack on each other. 

Then those words came out of his mouth " Why don't we just end it then!"

I agreed.

 He stood there dumbfounded that for once I actually meant it.  I told him to take his things and to leave. I was done, done with all the belittling and mental abuse he put me through.

I finally found the courage to stand up for my self and no longer allow a person to dictated my life and happiness.

It was by far one of the hardest things I had ever done, but I could no longer lie to him, or my self. I just didn't love him any more.

I watched him pack his things, and leave. 

That night I went to sleep no longer afraid, no longer ashamed.

That night.. is night which held all the lessons I learned in the years I lost. 

-That Girl Rika